| Janie 的个人资料loop duplicate照片日志列表 |  工具  帮助 |
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4月9日 apathetic to luckThis is me today. At 11:35 I walk down Universitet to catch the subway, while i see blinking sign for time is not blinking, so check the bus time table and think i will catch 540 to Bergshamra and then take 509 home. But 540 does not come, so I got down to subway again, and I miss my train exactly, so have to wait 10 min. I get off at Danderyd (apparently from there I have two choices of bus, 509 or 177 home), and was going to take the 177, but could not find the bus stop, and I see 509 coming to I hop on it, and when it starts driving I realize this one goes the opposite direction. -_-' Make note that this is quite out in the suburbs already, and I panic, like damnit... what do I do now, when the bus stops at Mörby where I get off at. I look at possibilites of getting home. I can take the same 509 the right direction, or.. there's 607! 607 stops also close to my house and I thought it was a faster bus than 509, so I wait 10 min for 607... but but, how i was wrong. 607 drives past the whole of Sollentuna (v. far up north swedish suburb) before coming to my house. So. At 13:15 I step into my home. Exhausted and damnly pissed off. This trip should have taken 5 min by car, took me almost 2 hours!
I have grown a fear for public transportation now. It is so exhaustingly boring. Today I didn't even have a mobile, a pad, or anything at all I could read/play with, I just stared out into nothingness trying to think. Oh, I'm so sick of thinking. Alone is not fun. Also, desperately needing to pee all through the journey does not precisely help either. I gave up. If life wants to mess with me, there's nothing I can do, is there? 3月31日 i don't like...i don't like the fact that... my exam schedule looks SCARY. that i will be having 5 consecutive exams in one week. that i will have to prove what i've learnt in the whole year (or like the last month of revision) in such a short period of time.
i don't like the fact that... i'm not used to doing great exams at the end of year. i like small petite tests along the way that adds up to the final grade. oh the good old days in swedish schools.
i don't like the fact that... i get panic attacks when i start reading economics.
i don't like the fact that... my mood is constantly jumping up and down due to thoughts about studying.
i don't like the fact that... i feel stupid. that i feel so lost in the vast mumbo-jumbo of STUFF-I-HAVE-TO-LEARN, and i just lose control.
i don't like the fact that... stockholm is throwing a snowstorm at the end of march! i want spring, spring, and warmth and sun!!
so. today has been kind of GAH. but now i've let all my complaints out... hopefully i will rise on-top of everything and be my happy self again soon, i.e. 31st may when my last exam will be done!
for now, what i do like is the fact that... there's a whole unopened package of BEN&JERRY's in my freezer. ^.^ 3月25日 dotsi went to the art exhibition today which was a ode to DOTS.
found the artist yayoi kusama's art movie "flower orgy" pretty interesting.
heaps of dot painted bodies having sex in various ways, all in silence. artistic or madness?
"i paint polka dots on the bodies of people, and with those polka dots, the people will self-obliterate and return to the nature of the universe" is what she said.
maybe... but whatever the case. i love dots. they are amazing. 3月24日 breakfast at tiffany'slast night i went and saw "breakfast at tiffany's" at the theatres. oh, how i love old movies, they are just so much more stylish than nowadays. audrey hepburn was amazing... and her character holly was how should i put it, both so lovabe and annoying. it's like someone i admire to, yet despise. anyway, this final line of "lecturing" towards her by paul varjak in the end hit me quite hard.
"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-You-Are? You're chicken. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, 'Okay, life's a fact.' People DO fall in love. People do belong to each other. Because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness. You call yourself a free spirit, a wild thing, yet you're terrified that somebody's gonna put you in a cage. Well, baby, you're already in a cage and you built it yourself. And it's not bound on the east by Somali Land or on the west by Tulip, Texas. It's everywhere you go. Because no matter where you run, you're always going to end up running into yourself."
have you ever sat in a cinema and felt like everything said was said to you? it's both a frightening and amazing feeling. i won't analyze the quote.. because i know i'm in the position to do so yet. for now, i'll just curl up in my chair, and wish i could hide forever in my ignorance. 3月22日 soulmatesa love of friendship and something more
this unique sensation never encountered before
a subtle warmth not passionately burning
yet strongly never fading
embers of understanding
touches the deep parts of our souls
a connection not a flash of lightning
but something more lasting
like a breeze that never stops blowing
gently pushing our boat, heading
into the vast oceas of destiny
there's no storm, no thunder, and no hurricane
we will peacefully drift on the wings of time
let it carry us to levels we never imagined possible
may this be the different solution we've been seeking
may this be our own special solution to loving
written on 21st march, 2006 after seeing brokeback mountain... you know who you are ;)
[just curious. who actually reads this blog?] 3月16日 maya azucenaclarion hotel is the new replacement for lydmar. lydmar, for those of you who's not familiar with the term was a amazing hotel in stockholm, where free soul-ful live concerts was always a-happening in their tiny but oh-so-beautiful stage and bar. filled with sophisticated people all trendy and aware in the good way.
i went to clarion hotel for the first time tonight, just one day back home in stockholm. maya azucena had a acoustic soul gig and it was unbelievable!
the stage was by a panorama window overlooking the river of south stockholm, with bridges and motorways interchanging and interlocking with the subway....and maya's voice was like WOW. she switched between soul, rap, freestyle... made us sing with her. she had this powerful strength and i was mesmerized. everything was pretty... her voice, the surrounding, the peoples. it was a whole new environment, so different from warwick, and made me realize i really had missed cities. i look forward to more small independent gigs.
the night ended with "hallelujah", and i ended with her cd which she had signed for me:
"janie - always believe!"
you bet i will. 3月8日 the beginning of the endthe softies has a song called "the beginning of the end". i'm in love with that phrase. it captures the bittersweetness melancholy of the present. a present that will only last a moment, and then become a memory. but moments come, and moments go. where can we find a pause button? sometimes it would be so tempting to just FREEZE. and stop. stop, stop, stop right now. cause in that moment everything was perfect. is it cynical to believe that everything will end? to already predict the end when things have barely started? perhaps it will just allow us to treasure things even more. i feel like i'm in no control of the present that changes far to fast for my mind to grasp. i'm just being pulled by the wave, hopefully not drowning. right now, i'm still afloat. 2月23日 timehow come time flies? i've said and heard this phrase far too many times, and it just never ceases to be true. is it because we're getting older? are we just having more fun? or are we just too busy? i'm usually good at organising my time, and make things work. but sometimes (like lately) it's just impossible. there's too much, and you lose control. everything becomes spontaneous, and whatever you feel like in the moment (which is usally not studying, it is way too low on list of priorities). i really don't want life to pass by this fast... like a rapid stream, it just hurls and hurls and it's gone. and i'll be in shock. like, what just happened? perhaps i need to learn to say "no" to certain things. but then... what's the fun in that? and if i was to think very qma-style of maximization, i would say that the only binding constraint is my sleep, and if i sleep less i will have more time to live. but i'm always so sleepy and tired... so, i guess i will just have to acquire new wings and fly with time. somehow...
2月19日 wordsif the words you say would reflect you as a person, then i would be:
"oh god", "i don't know", "maybe", "dieeeee"
hm. need to extend my vocabulary of common usage. 2月15日 erase and rewindwe all have a past. something i wrote a long time ago, during the time when i still sat at bus stops with my little notepad in my hand:
age teaches you self-consciousness.
age teaches you boundaries.
age teaches you experience.
age makes you complicated.
i believe i was quite naïve and innoncent at that time, or at least happily being young and childish.
i'm not very fond of this growing up thing. i don't like having a past clouding up the present.
why can't everything just be the bright sunshine of morning? |
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